Oh what the $%&^
It’s no secret that the ancient order of Stone Masons [Flixist editors] are not what some would call loyal apostolates of the Holy Father Michael Bay–may he live forever [please no]– and his sacrament,The Holy Church of the Explosion. Why, brother Matthew just recently reviewed Transformers: The Last Knight as near a steaming pile of excrement.
Maybe Transformers was fun once, but we’re forgetting why we ever thought so. As much as U.S. audiences are demonstrating a remarkable amount of intelligence, and sage film savvy by not turning out in droves at the box office, China just isn’t getting their shit together! They’re literally lapping their shit up: to the tune of nearly $220M to date.
Enter a Bumblebee spinoff movie. And now a moment for the Flixist staff to join in a hearty bout of swearing and general masturbatory, hate-filled oration:
Matthew Razak, Flixist EIC: What? Really? A who spinoff? Oh god.
Drew Stuart: I’m sure it’ll be entertaining whilst drinking bleach.
Nick Valdez, Flixist News Editor: Fuck you.
Matt Liparota: This bee sure is … uh … Bumbling.
Hubert Vigilla, Flixist Editor at Large: Donkey balls served on haggis seems more engaging.
Alec Kubas-Meyer: *slammed door in my face during survey*
The Intern: What opinion do you want me to have again? Oh right. This is shit! Horse shit!
But wait! There’s more! Something like 13 other Transformers movies are in the works, that according to former Transformers director Michael Bay. *Explosions!* ***–**BOOM**–*** *boom* **~*BOOM*~** That’s right, that Michael Bay. ***FUCKING EXPLOSIONS!!!***
Rumored sequel titles & topics:
Transformers 6: Transformers vs Marky Mark in his Underwear – ’nuff said.
Transformers 7: The Last Can of Gas – wherein 100 transforming space robots fight in a cage match battle royal for the last can of gas on earth. Fuck yeah!
Transformer 8: Windows 10 – the bug paradox – wherein all the robots fail to boot up after upgrading to Windows 10. Suckers.
Transformer 9: We Put the Robot 9 in 69 – an out of this world, intergalactic man on machine orgy: can you say giant, 100-foot robot dicks? I can. And did.
Transformers 10: The Final Chapter
Transformers 11: The Next Chapter – the Transformers producers pull a Saw team maneuver and bring it back anyway–previous titles be damned.
Transformers 12: Dinobots versus Jurassic World – OK … I’d see this one. Let’s green light this first.
I give up. *hangs up laptop for good*
Bumblebee Casting Revs Up with a Host of Young Actors [Slashfilm]
Published: Jul 15, 2017 01:00 pm