Review: Genital Jousting

Also, cocks

Gaming is such a strange and wonderful hobby. You can play in recreations of history’s greatest moments, explore alien planets, race in futuristic space craft and now play as a big floppy penis that is trying to insert itself in the ass of another penis. All of the achievements of humankind have been leading up to this moment.

Also, there is a story mode where you play as a dick named John who is trying to get ready for his high school reunion. This is proof enough that we are living in the best timeline.

Genital Jousting (PC)
Developer: Free Lives
Publisher: Devolver Digital
Released: January 18, 2018
MSRP: $6.99

 Genital Jousting isn’t exactly the newest game on the block. Released originally in early access on November 17, 2016, the game was a party game based around flaccid penises (penii?) penetrating one another. It featured support for eight player battles where the microgames were swapped out Warioware style to make for crazy shenanigans.

It quickly became a YouTube sensation for how absurd the concept was and how hilarious the game could get when knocking back a few drinks. The game was definitely rough around the edges, but it exuded a certain charm that could not be denied.

All of those multiplayer modes have been documented through various update posts and the like, so I’m going to focus more on the main course for this review. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of including a fully narrated story mode for the full release of Genital Jousting, so now if you’re a solo player that enjoys pleasuring themselves, you have a reason to check out this package.

As I mentioned above, Genital Jousting stars a penis named John that is having a bit of an identity crisis. He is working a dead-end job at “Flesh Corp,” a dildo testing factory, and hasn’t been successful in his love life. With his high school reunion coming up in six months, John makes a commitment to turn his life around and impress all of the bullies who tormented him in school.

What follows is a roughly 90 minute adventure where you’ll see John having nightmares over being rejected, quit his job and explore the world (by shoving world wonders up his ass), try dating on a mock-up of Tinder and even get into a “cockfight” at a bar. To spoil the hilarious narration would rob this game of its surprise, but suffice to say that there is plenty of innuendo to go around.

What I didn’t expect was for a game about an anthropomorphized penis to actually make me reflect on my own failings from high school. I haven’t gone to the same lengths (ha!) as John, but I still struggle with some things that my fellow classmates said to me in the past. The very catalyst for John’s whole journey is so similar to something I experienced that I nearly cried seeing it repeated here.

The only real troublesome part of the story is that John acts like a total dick and the narration doesn’t really berate him for it. He eventually comes to realize the folly of his ways, but you just want to take John and smack him for thinking with his penis all the time…which might be hard for him not to do, seeing as he is a penis…he might also enjoy that…did I just write erotic fiction in a review?

Porno writing aside, Genital Jousting has a hilarious and surprisingly well done story mode. At times, it reminded me of The Stanley Parable with how it would point out the futility of video game choices or how making alternate choices would have the narrator question your sanity.

Much like The Stanley Parable, Genital Jousting also plays more like a walking simulator with some light gameplay elements. You aren’t always just moving from scene to scene (there is an excellent training montage towards the middle), but this is definitely a more story driven experience than a strictly gameplay based one.

At least if the story mode doesn’t do it for you, the multiplayer section is just as fleshed out as before. Along with being able to have four players all play simultaneously with a single gamepad, you can also take to the internet to challenge random penises to duels. The modes on offer include a party mode, a traditional option that lets you select individual mini-games and a date night mode.

Date night is like a small co-op challenge where you and a friend will complete various activities together in a chance to find love. You’ll pick roses, walk dachshunds (a.k.a wiener dogs), go bowling and even have a romantic picnic together.  The dog walking is total bullshit (they have a mind of their own), but playing with your friend and joking around makes for a weirdly compelling way to spend 25 minutes.

The main multiplayer mode consists of various different microgames where the objective changes from round to round. Not everything works as intended, but Genital Jousting is more about the joy of chaos than having a fair and balanced tournament atmosphere. After five rounds, you’ll also unlock even more games to further expand the chaos.

The very best games are ones where you get temporarily put on teams and need to work together to win. I wouldn’t call these moments tactical, but it adds a layer of strategy that is absent from the rest of the microgames.

I couldn’t really test the online mode as there wasn’t a single press server available. I tried downgrading to the early access version to give that a shot, but I then couldn’t even control the menu to access anything. From my time in the lobby, though, online is just as featured as the local multiplayer. You can even take local players into an online match, so getting full games shouldn’t be an issue.

Controlling Genital Jousting is as simple as moving a joystick (or WASD on a keyboard) with nothing else to it. The story mode does feature a few different commands, but this game is about simplicity and getting people playing with as little knowledge as possible. You won’t need to try and memorize combo strings or attack commands, but you’ll need to intuitively learn how these dicks handle to get a firm grip on their movement.

My only real concern is the longevity of the game. If you’re consistently get friends over and love rocking out with party games, Genital Jousting could be all you’ll need for a while. If you’re a solo player, the story mode is well done, but it is over quickly. Since I’m not the biggest on multiplayer chaos, I’ve pretty much seen all I need to after a handful of hours.

I wouldn’t really call that the biggest negative; it is more like something you should be aware of before diving in. I’m pretty happy with my time spent playing Genital Jousting and I’m sure the people who jumped in during early access will be pleased with the end result. It just doesn’t last that long if you’re going solely for single-player.

Even so, I’d still recommend checking this out solely for the absurdity of the whole affair. Genital Jousting is crude, for certain, but it showcases how imaginative and creative gaming can truly be. When I was a child, I never thought I’d have the fortune of playing as a flaccid dick in a game, but look where we are.

_{[This review is based on a retail build of the game provided by the publisher.]}