Nintendo files patent for first sales-less console (Fauxclusive)

No, this is not a joke about the Wii U

The discovery of two new patents filed by gaming giant Nintendo earlier this year may give us a peek into the future of the company. The first, as reported on Saturday, is for a disc-less home console. The second patent, which was discovered early Sunday morning, could point to Nintendo attempting to create its first sales-less console.

According to paperwork filed with the US Patent Office, Nintendo may be making a home console that is so terrible, people literally run away from it. Patent documents show the console will stand six feet tall and feature many jagged edges and Hepatitis-laced rusty nails. It will also contain no hard-drive, instead opting for three optical drives all of which use the HD-DVD format. In addition to the console, the patent filing points to a brand new controller that so awkward and unintuitive players may start to experience symptoms of arthritis after using it for just 15 minutes.

Other features, such as removable faceplates modeled after clowns, spiders, Fant4stic and other things people hate, may also be on the horizon according to the filing.

Many are speculating that a sales-less Nintendo console is impossible due to the fandom that surrounds the company. However it seems Nintendo has planned for this with an idea that will turn away even its most die-hard fans: it will package each console with a copy of Metroid Prime: Federation Force.