Monday Mind Teasers: Robot Unicorn Attack

Yes, you read that correct. This week’s Monday Masculinity Teaser is none other than the famous phantasmagorical stallion sidescroller game, Robot Unicorn Attack. It’s already sold 2 million copies worldwide, won three Game of the Year awards even though we’re only in February, been banned in Australia by the Cryptozoology Intelligence Agency, received its own Mountain Dew flavor, won American Idol thanks to Avril Lavigne, and has beaten Avatar for an Academy Award. None of this is reality of course, but sadly, neither are unicorns. As for unicorn robots, I don’t know, but I’m sure MonsterQuest is filming another laughable episode about it soon.

Surprisingly the gameplay is great for a flash game. I know, I’m shocked, scared and a bit embarrassed, but solid game design is solid game design. You get three wishes (lives) to last as long as you can in the endless magical sidescroller land, with all three rounds added up for your final score. You can jump and double jump to create rainbows, with jumps floating farther the longer you hold down the jump key. Along the way you run into score boosting fairies you can collect to shoot magic out of your horn, as well as star block obstacles that you have to dash through to survive. As you do better and better you’re blessed with dolphins that swim along with you on screen, and while you play you’re graced with this Chad-mazing song you didn’t know you loved until just now:

• Open your eyes, I see. Your eyes are open.
• Wear no disguise for me, come into the open.
• When it’s cold (when it’s cold), outside (outside), am I here in vain?
• Hold on, to the night, there will be no shame.
• CHORUS:  Always, I want to be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony harmony oh love!
• CHORUS
• Always.
• Melting the ice for me, jump into the ocean.
• Hold back the tide, I see. Your love in motion.
• When it’s cold (when it’s cold), outside (outside), am I here in vain?
• Hold on, to the night, there will be no shame.
• 2X CHORUS
• When it’s cold (when it’s cold), outside (outside), am I here in vain?
• Hold on, to the night, there will be no shame.
• 5x CHORUS

You can thank the blood, sweat, and tantric tears of Adult Swim for this fabulous fantasy game that you will be playing against your will all night. If there was ever a flash game deserving of a Web fad with the strength of Chocolate Rain, Numa Numa, All Your Base, and the other great memes of the Internet, then surely Unicorn Robot Attack is worthy. “Harmony! Harmony! Our Love!” “Yatah! Us! Us! Us! Us!” Share your high scores in the comments below, and please correct me if any of the legendary lyrics are incorrect! Now if you’ll excuse me I think I need to take a shower now. But “there will be no shame.”