How to stop sucking at The Last of Us multiplayer

Don’t make these mistakes

Have you played The Last of Us yet? Maybe, maybe not. You probably should, though. It’s really a lovely game. And it’s now on PS4, which means there’s an actual reason to use that thing as something other than a Netflix delivery service. 

Once you pop that disc in, the first thing you’ll probably want to do is check out the campaign and those shiny new graphics. Maybe then you’ll move on to the Left Behind prologue chapter. It’s nice too. At some point, though, you’ll definitely want to check out the title’s best kept secret — the multiplayer. Yes, the thing referenced in this article’s headline. It’s the wonderful caramel and nougat center to this delicious chocolate bar.

I almost made the mistake of assuming it was tack-on. I almost wish I did. The disc has scarcely left my PS3 over the last year because of it. I’ve spent a lot of time with the multiplayer. More than I’m proud of, really. And in that time I’ve noticed some things — things that might help players suck less. And because I’m such a saint, I figured I’d share the fruits of my obsession with you, dear reader.

These things are the worst. Don’t do these things.

Running

Running is terrible. Do not do it.

You wouldn’t run in the single-player campaign. A clicker would eat Joel’s face before he could even break a sweat. Running in multiplayer is similarly stupid.  In a game about stealth and survival the last thing you want to do is tell the enemy where you are. And this is exactly what running does.

Should you not heed this sage advice, you’ll pop up on the opponent’s radar. This is not a good thing. Unless it’s a life or death situation and you need to get away quickly, running just isn’t worth it. You’re liable to have someone creep up behind you and shiv you in the neck.

That someone is me. People who run are my favorite. They are easy to kill. Don’t be my favorite.

Medical malpractice

Again, this game is about survival more than anything. Getting kills is good. Staying alive is better. And if your chief goal is not dying, your secondary mission should be preventing your teammates from doing the same. It doesn’t matter how good you are if one of your pals is draining your shared bank account of lives.

So, how do you do that? Well, death is a two step process. First you’ll get “downed,” which means you get to crawl around on the ground for a bit while bleeding out. However, should a friend amble over to your soon-to-be corpse, they can help get you back on your feet. This allows you to keep on truckin’ and your mate will get some points for the trouble. It’s a win-win, really. 

I’ve bled at out people’s feet before, though. Some people will just refuse to heal you for no good reason. Don’t be one of these people. These people are the worst.

Stealing kills 

The second stage of dying is “executions.” While bleeders are crawling around, you can shoot at them or stomp on their head or whatever sick thing your heart desires. Doing this means their teammates won’t be able to rescue them. It also earns you some points.

Now, points are just lovely. They let you buy things like shotguns and body armor. I like shotguns and body armor. So, naturally, stealing someone’s ability to get some goodies by swooping in and taking the products of their hard-earned murder is kind of a dick move.

This isn’t the biggest deal in the world, but you might want that guy you stole from to help you later on. And maybe he’d rather let you bleed out at his feet while he messages you homophobic epithets over PSN.

This thing I do to be a jerk

Sometimes you and an enemy will both “down” one another simultaneously. The hope in these situations is that one of your pals will save you. It doesn’t always happen, though.

Say all your buddies are on the other side of the map and you’re certain to die. In these instances I’ll position my body in such a way that it prevents my fallen foes from getting extricated by their comrades. Basically, if I’m going down I’m taking you with me. I’m a jerk like that.

Maybe you have honor, though. Or maybe I’m the person you “downed.” In these cases you may wish to reconsider. I do not enjoy getting my just desserts.

Lone wolfing it

In team sports, being selfish is generally discouraged. A solid unit is likely to outperform a group of folks running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. In terms of The Last of Us, wandering off on your own only to find yourself surrounded isn’t a great feeling.

I’m guilty, of course, which is why I find myself in situations where I use my dying body to prevent my enemies from being rescued. This is mostly because that one guy in my party won’t stop running and keeps giving away my position while I’m trying to sneak up on someone and shiv them in the neck. Ugh. That guy obviously didn’t read the first rule listed in this article. 

Pretending to be a DJ 

This one is just a personal pet peeve of mine. Right now, there are 167 different people around the world letting a mess of others know just how crappy their taste in music is via tinny headset mics. 

These people deserve to die. You know, someday. Peacefully in their sleep at the ripe old age of 87 and surrounded by loving grandchildren, I hope. But maybe before that day arrives they’ll be walking by a puddle and a car will splash them with muddy water. Comeuppance. 

Other than that, the best advice I can give you is to keep your head down, be sneaky, and shoot to kill. It’s a brutal game and you’re probably going to suck at it for a while. You’ll get better, though. Maybe. As long as you don’t run. Running is just awful.

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