Getting Weird with Wes: Farty pogo, punch koi because why the hell not, and SCREECHING PILE OF FLESH

Let’s get weird

[Getting Weird with Wes is a series meant to highlight all the bizarre shit floating around out there in the gaming universe. I hate normal things. Join me in celebrating the strange.]

You know how service dogs have specialized training to help their humans cope with some sort of impairment to enrich their lives, even if in some small way? Consider me your disservice dog. I’m here to make your Sunday less of a, “Yep,” and more of an, “Aw, God damn it.”

Except you can pet me all you’d like. I’d consider that a service.

The Bible has a lot of crazy-ass lore. It really does. There’s cousins banging each other, a bunch of people being slaughtered for liking HGTV, even more cousins banging one another — shit’s deep, yo. So it actually makes sense that in the face of the total annihilation of the giant fucking mistake that is humanity, God would send down a savior to redeem us all. Jesus had his turn. Today, we depend on Human Rocket Person.

Human Rocket Person is an ordinary man, with an extraordinary sense of balance and gastrointestinal fortitude. He must use his impeccable posture, strength, and explosive shits to save the world from the impending doom that would otherwise inevitably encapsulate us all. I’m not entirely sure how a person with a penchant for recreational flatulence is supposed to stop a meteor from destroying the planet, but we can always speculate:

• The meteor has intimacy issues, and the mere thought of the touch of a human is enough to drive it away
• The meteor’s father died in a freak pogo accident and it’s not yet ready to face the murderous stick
• The meteor is actually every girlfriend I’ve ever had, and the second I even let loose the tiniest of toots it makes a giant deal about it and acts like I just bombed the nursery at a place of worship
• Meteors just don’t like weird games

I’m going to be really, really disappointed if that meteor doesn’t like this article.

I’ve been fishing before, and man, it’s boring. You stand there with a pole attached to a line in the water, and hope some dipshit fish is hungry and bored enough to chomp on a worm that’s mysteriously underwater. By the time you’re done fishing, you’re hungry, and bored enough to eat anything dangling in front of you. It’s like a vicious cycle, but an extremely boring one. It makes me angry. Really angry. So angry, I could punch the dick out of a fish for wasting so much of my time.

Koi Puncher MMXVIII is here to help. You play as a burly, angry ex-fisherman who’s tired of fishes’ shit. So tired, in fact, his only recourse is to punch them. Which is totally an appropriate response, by the way. Fish think they’re hot shit, just swimming around pretending they don’t notice you. It’s time we took the fight back to the seas.

Listen, I’m going to come clean to you guys. I hate the sea. I hate how vast and infinite the ocean is. It scares the bejesus out of me. Oceanic creatures terrify me beyond belief. I’ve almost drowned like four times in my life thanks to the ocean, and god damn it, I’m not going back.

I don’t know if koi live in the ocean, or in lakes, or streams, or whatever. I don’t really care. I hate aquatic life, and in my heart of hearts, I believe that anything that is a sea-based lifeform deserves to be punched repeatedly for sport. This game finally gives those bastards everything they deserve. You’re the weird one if you disagree.

Yes. Oh God, yes. Oh fuck, yes. This goes out to any and all prospective developers who want their work featured on Dtoid — send us this exact subject line:

I sent Occams the root of a tooth I had surgically extracted. He sent me a BDSM action figure that has so far managed to only repel women and intrigue men. If you want Dtoid’s resident purveyors of weird to pay attention, you’d better come correct. And the names in the email thread above confirm that the developers of Struggling have done just that.

Struggling is everything I want in life. It’s a multiplayer game where you and a friend control a screeching abomination through a variety of challenging levels. The horrid, fleshy figure must grab onto the environment using its sad, sinewy hands and propel itself onward through the end of the level. It’s the kind of thing Dr. Frankenstein would make if he had less respect for the laws of God. The Saw movies have made less disturbing depictions of the human form. This thing makes Clint Howard look like Catherine Zeta-Jones. In short, it’s everything wrong with video games, society, science, and morality all rolled into one disgusting sack of organic detritus. 

It’s unholy. It’s off-putting. It’s weird. And it’s the only thing that keeps me going. We need more of this, internet.

See any weird shit out there lately? Send it my way, tacos@destructoid.com. Nothing is too weird.