This squint-worthy Elden Ring hoodie is full of lore

Put the storyteller’s narration on your back

We’ve all seen some super text-heavy shirts out in the wild, but imagine standing in line for the self-check-out area at the grocery store and seeing this inexplicable gem: a rare Elden Ring hoodie containing the world-defining lore from the game’s opening cinematic.

If you’re hazy, here’s the deliciously cryptic cinematic again:

The hoodie found its way onto my feed via Lance McDonald, and I was grateful to see it, having missed From Software’s original Japanese tweet back in December.

I just wanna take a moment to draw attention to this official Elden Ring merchandise that has massive Kanye West energy. It’s literally just the entire voiceover from the intro cinematic in tiny text under a screenshot from the cinematic and I would kill to own this https://t.co/xkBDZKEv3q pic.twitter.com/pincIu4B0x

— Lance McDonald (@manfightdragon) February 15, 2022

If you’re racing to order one of these hoodies, hold up — they aren’t widely available. From Software ran a lottery in Japan with this and other not-for-sale products.

Granted, I’m sure Bandai Namco will have plenty of material to work with for merchandise and apparel based on Elden Ring — but will this niche “thou shouldst take the crown” design ever get a wider release? Well, maybe I’m alone on this one. I think it looks good!

I love how hyper-specific the hoodie is. I always preferred gaming merch that felt more subdued — the kind that looks good with or without context for the subject matter — but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s best to double down on our obsessions.

To that end, I once saw someone with a gnarly Uzumaki jacket at the mall, and that five-second “wait, where did he find that?!” encounter has stuck with me to this day.

If I see any of you out there rocking this wordy Elden Ring hoodie — or any other, for that matter — then I promise to do my best Patrick Stewart quadruple take.