Video Game history is filled with instances of controllers that are either poorly designed or ludicrously over designed. Weird, considering how coming up with a good controller should be easier than coming up with a good game, and the controller is responsible for a large part of the immersion we can experience with a game.
Video Game controllers have evolved immensely throughout the years – and we’ll be making fun of the biggest offenders in history – but you’d be surprised to learn just how hilariously bad some controllers coming out nowadays can still be.
Sonic’s furry controllers (Xbox One)
Did you ever wish for a controller that would make your hands hotter, possibly get them to sweat more, and then absorb all the sweat to gain your personalized smell? Then you should totally get this absolute abomination.
The least puzzling thing about these controllers is that they were released to help promote Sonic 2, the movie, and not an actual game, likely because no one in their right mind would want to go through a whole playthrough using these. They’re very rare, so you’re unlikely to have to try one of these out but, in case you happen to come across one, please avoid feeding them after midnight.
Resident Evil 4’s chainsaw controller (CameCube)
This is one of the most iconic and valuable tie-in controllers in video game history, and it sucks. I get that it was meant to be a novelty, but why not also make a functional controller?
This thing is too large, is like zero percent ergonomic and, while it’s not an actual chainsaw that can accidentally kill the friend sitting on your left, the fake chainsaw that comes out of it is cumbersome and just plain impractical. Those are all pretty bad additions to the already iffy GameCube controller.
Xbox’s PUBG anti grease controller (Xbox One)
Is there anything more off-putting when it comes to gaming hardware than greasy gear? At some point in the history of Microsoft, someone who seemingly doesn’t believe in the combined powers of water, soap, and common sense thought about tackling the issue by creating a controller that grease just wouldn’t adhere to.
In actuality, it has the ergonomics and quality build of a regular Xbox One controller, which is great, but you (hopefully) just can’t help but scoff at this thing by knowing the dirty and disgusting ideas behind it.
Deadpool and Wolverine’s ass controller (Xbox Series X|S)
For the release of Deadpool and Wolverine, Microsoft and Disney decided to release a controller whose backside features, well, Deadpool’s backside. Not only does that make me scared that I’d been pulled into a wormhole that took me to a world where ’00s comedy still rules, but it’s also highly impractical.
And, this controller’s biggest sin isn’t even that it’s extremely dumb, but that it’s a lie. Yes, the ass comes off:
They couldn’t even commit to the bit, but the joke’s on them. Even without the elephant in the room, how can you not hate the idea of a controller that features the texture of Deadpool’s suit? Your trained gamer senses just immediately know that that thing’s no good for anything other than gathering sweat and dirt that you’ll have a hard time cleaning off.
Alphagrip Igrip
If you’re not yet aware of the Igrip’s existence, you’re likely wondering what the hell it is that you’re even looking at. How do you hold it? Where do you press? And, most important of all, how are you to avoid pressing what you’re not supposed to press? The answer is not yet known to humankind.
When you’re trying to come up with a video game controller that’s better for PC gaming than a mouse and keyboard combo, it’s very important that you at least fail better than the people at Alphagrip did. The Igrip tried to beat the universally accepted best way to play most PC games by coming up with a controller that features every single key that you’d find on a keyboard – and on a mouse. Yes, do you see that ball in the middle? That’s a trackball, just in case you thought this couldn’t get worse.
It’ll likely take you a few hours to configure properly, and no more than ten seconds for you to get the realization that this thing is impossible to use.
Steel Battalion’s Controller (Xbox)
Please don’t show this one to any gamer friend who refers to their PC gaming setup as their “battle station”, as they’d probably end up feeling seriously humiliated by this massive combo of joysticks, pedals, triggers, buttons, emergency buttons, and dials.
Truth be told, this controller isn’t even bad. If you go through the trouble of learning how to use it, It works pretty well with Steel Battalion, a great game in its own right, though that’s the only game it really works with. That’s pretty wild, especially for a controller that would cost you $200 even back in the day.
The Nintendo Power Glove
We couldn’t legally do this list without honouring the famed king of bad controllers. Though legendary film classics such as The Wizard heralded it as the bestest controller ever made, gamers know it’s so bad it should’ve never left the drawing board.
A glove that interacted with a game via infrared inputs and featured a controller glued to its top was always going to be a highly over-engineered product, and the biggest problem is that it just didn’t work well.
You could say that the technology just wasn’t there back when it came out, but it sure is there right now, and it’d still suck if it were to come out nowadays – yes, I’m saying this in the hopes that no one will try to revive this thing.
Nintendo U-Force
Motion controllers have such a bad (literal and figurative) track record that we tend to be skeptical about such things even with today’s tech. Imagine how everyone must’ve reacted in 1989 to the U-force, this warship board-looking infrared motion controller for the NES.
It was even worse than the power glove, because instead of looking silly but in a cyberpunk way, it looked silly in a corporate way. Also, it was one of the least-responsive pieces of gaming tech ever made. Its ads even infamously said “Don’t touch!”, which I’d like to attribute to a marketing team desperately trying to save customers from the thoughts of getting one.
The Sega Activator (Genesis, Mega Drive)
You know it’s bad when they can’t even get the actor to look like he’s having fun for a promotional photo he was hopefully paid to be on. Hell, they didn’t even get him to look at the screen.
That ring supposedly interpreted our movements via infrared signals, but it mostly failed to capture anything, leaving players with little more than the shame from all the silly poses they made while trying to play games.
If you think the Genesis 32x was bad, then imagine experiencing DOOM 32X on this thing.
No other company dared doing anything this dumb ever again, unless you live in the only alternate universe where the Kinect became a thing, which leads us to..
Xbox Kinect (Xbox 360)
It’s sad that the Xbox 360, Microsoft’s best soldier in the console war, had to be the one to introduce the Kinect. In fact, Microsoft’s shift towards Kinect-based games may very well have been the reason why Microsoft’s console didn’t emerge with a clear lead against Sony during that generation.
The Kinect promised that you’d be the controller of your own game, but that’s just Microsoft pre-emptively shifting blame in case things went awry. You, and I, for that matter, are not the worst controller in existence. That honor belongs to this motion-controlled camera that clearly wasn’t ready and that would’ve benefitted enormously from the simple addition of an actual controller to the mix.
Also, remember Milo, that nice kid you’d get to be friends with? He’s now 55 years old, still trapped in there.
Published: Jul 21, 2024 09:50 am