I popped in my Pokémon Red cart after 25 years, let’s all judge my Elite 4 lineup

Dusting off an old game and cracking into your save file is always a gamble. Those batteries aren’t exactly famous for functioning decades after their prime, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I popped my original Pokémon Red cart into an Analogue Pocket. Would it be a reunion with old friends or a bittersweet funeral with no guests? Amazingly, all my old pals were right there waiting for me, and it’s my pleasure to present the party I sent into the game’s Elite Four battles. Judge away, reminisce, but please, hammer, don’t hurt ’em. 

Like dino DNA embedded in amber, my team remains just as I left it way back in 1998. I dare not disclose how old I was at the time, but I vividly remember lying back in bed, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling while visiting my aunt in Utah. Trying to catch ’em all was a welcome distraction, and apparently I’ve had false memories of doing just that for the past 25 years. Game Boy cartridges don’t lie, though, and according to mine I left my Pokédex at a middling 102 ‘Mon.

Gotta rename ’em all

I’ve never really been a post-game player. Unless I’m especially obsessed, once the credits roll, I’m out. That must have been the case with Pokémon Red, even if the anime and its many imitators that followed were still considered appointment viewing at the time. The only thing that mattered was making it through the final gauntlet of Pokémon showdowns. Emerging victorious against my rival was a real triumph at the time, and I couldn’t have done it without a reliable squad. 

All the fan-favorites are still present and accounted for in my cart. You know ’em by name, I’m sure. There’s Divebomb, Venom, and Genetimew. You can practically hear their names being belted out of your TV screen against the backdrop of the “Pokémon Rap” beat. I choose you, Dr. Zaius! So, who are these creatures really? Who did I deem strong enough to carry me through the endgame and beyond? Let’s take a look at this sterling starting lineup.

Tentacool (Level 16)

Nickname: Feeler

Obviously I did, and still do, hold a great deal of respect for Tentacool. It’s just cool; heck, it’s in the name. Is that why I clearly never bothered to level it up high enough to evolve into Tentacruel? It’s hard to imagine I got that much use out of a level 16 Pokémon in the final stretch of monster battling. Sometimes you have friends that aren’t as strong as the rest. That doesn’t mean you dump ’em in a ditch and leave them behind forever. Its alias is self-explanatory and maybe even a little gross. 

Pidgeot (Level 42)

Nickname: Divebomb

Ranking a lot higher on the list of characters I carried with me through most of the game is Pidgeot, who I carefully evolved from Pidgey and Pidgeotto. Having a Flying-Type Pokémon nicknamed Divebomb is about as on the nose as it gets, but I couldn’t have made it through all those trials without them by my side. 

Voltorb (Level 20)

Nickname: Poketrap

This is another one that baffles me in retrospect. Much like Tentacool, I guess I never bothered putting in the work to evolve Voltorb into Electrode. Maybe it’s that menacing grimace that kept me from grinding it out to level 30 and beyond. Or maybe this dinky electric ball was just collecting dust in my pocket for roughly 37 hours and some change. The world will literally never know. 

Venusaur (Level 71)

Nickname: Venom

My first ‘Mon ever. My dude. The Starter you choose says a lot about you as a person, and mine says “I don’t feel like being challenged right now.” Going through Pokémon Red with a high-level Grass-Type is a cinch, and Venusaur is about as balanced as it gets against most would-be title-takers. Would I choose Bulbasaur from the start if I had to do it all over again (spoilers: I will have to)? Absolutely. Though Squirtle is pretty tempting, too. 

Mewtwo (Level 73)

Nickname: Genetimew

Mewtwo? You mean the star of turn-of-the-millennium family adventure anime film Pokémon: The First Movie? Yeah, that’s right, we’re pals. I got this genetically modified monster nice ‘n beefy, so you know it got a ton of use in my final lineup. It might have even dealt the finishing blow, who knows. After 25 years pretty much everything about my time with this game is headcanon. 

Note from Destructoid Guide Editor Timothy Monbleau: I have informed Joseph that Mewtwo could not have been on his Elite Four team, since you can only unlock it after entering the Hall of Fame. Not without trading, glitching, or cheating, at least. However, out of respect for his headcanon, I have left this section as-is. Please let me know in the comments if you knew Joseph Luster as a child and can confirm he actually had a haunted copy of Pokemon Red.

Primeape (Level 29)

Nickname: Dr. Zaius

What’s wrong with me? 
I think you’re crazy. 
Want a second opinion. 
You’re also lazy! 

Mix a young man who mainlined The Simpsons and played a lot of video games and you end up with a Primeape named Dr. Zaius. Coming in just one level past the threshold of evolving from Mankey, odds are strong that I kept this one just for the name. 

Last rites

So, how’s my party looking? Are they studs or duds? Well, whatever you may think, I hope you’re not speaking ill of the dead. That’s right, in the time it took me to boot up Red and write this article, my save file finally kicked the bucket. Maybe it was hanging on for one last spin. Maybe it just wanted to remind me that I never caught ’em all back in ’98. Either way, I salute these six ‘Mon and thank them endlessly for their service while introducing me to a wider world that’s still as vibrant as ever today.