Wanking Simulator achieves release this fall

Spread ‘masturbating chaos’

I’d normally save this sort of thing for my weekly weird games roundup, but I was too excited to restrain myself. I was practically turgid with anticipation, and the only way to sate my raging emotion was to whip it out and spread the news all over you guys, consequences be damned.

Wanking Simulator is real. And it’s coming. And now, so have I.

You’re Winston Gay, a man whose lewd leisurely pastime has proven to be a nuisance for neighbors. The cops were called, some words were exchanged, and now you’re on the lam doing what you do best: Giving your little friend a naked noogie. The main goal is to spread “masturbating chaos” by destroying as much of civilization as you can before the fuzz catches up to you. Interrupt funerals. Disrupt the US Postal Service’s sworn duty. Kick cars until they explode. Do anything, so long as you don’t stop side-fisting the Slim Jim.

The publisher promises the only sexual content in the game will be the fleshy dice-rolling of the main character, and that — now this comes directly from the press release, which is amazing — “no genitals or organic fluids will be seen in the game.” It’s just meant to be all in good, weird, horrible fun!

Despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary, I’m no idiot. I know this game is primarily bait for loud-mouthed YouTubers to pretend to be shocked in the most obnoxious ways possible while crowding up our Recommended feeds with shit we’ll never, ever click on in a trillion years. But man, ya gotta admire the cajones of that press release. Also the fact that someone made a video game about my Uncle Terry was enough to get me interested. I keeps it real.

Real weird, that is.

Wanking Simulator will blow off some Steam in Q3 2019, with the team allegedly eyeing a console release sometime after. Uh, I wouldn’t hold my breath on that last bit.