Comments of the Week 49: #FunkyKong4Smash

May the jorts be with you

Hello there, you crazy boys and girls! Welcome to a new Comments of the Week, now with 20 percent less GMO! It’s your boy GoofierBrute, and I’m here to take you on this week’s magical journey that is our community!

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about Super Smash Bros. lately. Maybe it’s because Nintendo will talk about it at E3 this year, but I’ve been thinking a lot about who will get in. Sure, we got the Inklings from Splatoon 2, we’ll probably get Rex and/or Pyra/Mythra from Xenoblade 2 (fingers crossed for the latter) but who else from The Big N would get in?

Someone from ARMS? I mean, as much as I love the Smash series, this is getting onto game five (or six, depending on if you count the 3DS and Wii U titles), and at this point I feel like the pool of new characters to pick from that aren’t third party characters is getting pretty small. Then it hit me like a surfboard to the face: Funky Kong needs to be in Smash.

Don’t give me that look. He’d fit perfectly with the cast; he has the strength of DK with acrobatics of Diddy, he can use his surfboard for regular attacks and smash attacks, as well as his recovery, and his Final Smash could be him surfing on a giant wave that goes across the screen, ala Mario and his doctor counterpart.

…Look, I just finished playing Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze earlier today with my cousin, he just really liked playing as Funky Kong. But enough about my personal life and crazy ideas, let’s get to why you’re all really here: To see the funny, weird, and darndest things your fellow Dtoiders said this week.

GoofierBrute: Still a better Spider-Man story than The Clone Saga.

GoofierBrute: That’s my fetish!

GoofierBrute: Don’t worry, this won’t turn into an ego stroking or anything like that, I’m just putting this up because I’m more proud of this than I have any right to be.

GoofierBrute: I smell Kingdom Hearts III DLC!

GoofierBrute: Real talk: With all the cynicism hovering around video games lately, it’s nice to see a game as lovely as this getting funded. Congrats, Swery.

What? They can’t all be funny-ish comments!

GoofierBrute: I understood that reference.

GoofierBrute: Deadpool is my favorite Disney princess.

GoofierBrute: Steamed hams, but it’s actually a really good indie game.

GoofierBrute: They may take away our lands, but they’ll never take… our half-shells!

By the way, to the person who asked this, I actually looked it up to see what this particular comic is about. And while I can’t confirm or deny Leo fighting a skeleton, I can confirm that they do fight Krang and Shedder in Scotland, and now I’m picturing Krang in a kilt. You’re welcome.

GoofierBrute: Dicks are a universal language.

GoofierBrute: Anime was a mistake.

GoofierBrute: *insert clever pun here*

GoofierBrute: Doom 2016 is the best thing about 2016. That’s just a fact.

GoofierBrute: Mom’s away? Ice cream for breakfast!

GoofierBrute: Forget Han Solo. Where’s my Nien Nunb movie, Disney?!

GoofierBrute: Now I know. And knowing is half the battle… The other half is finding this movie without it being saved in your browser.

And that’s all, folks! Hope you enjoyed me being in the driver’s seat this week! And if you didn’t well….no refunds. In any case, as you start this new week, just remember these wise words: “I am Error.” See ya next for a brand new Comments of the Week!