Faking it: Finishing games

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[Has a pesky backlog got your hard drive and game shelf all clogged up worse than a Taco Bell bathroom? Let TurboKill’s handy-dandy tips on completing games give you a little boost! This is an entry from August’s Bloggers Wanted prompt. We’re going HAM on blog promotions this month, so write something for this month’s prompt and you just might get your work featured by Dtoid! – Wes]

Look at your backlog, now look at me. Look again at your backlog, then turn to a mirror, and now back to me. That’s a lot of games and I’m sure you’re struggling looking at yourself in the mirror. Unfortunately, I can’t fix that face of yours; however I’m willing to give you some tips to help you with that backlog problem. Here are a few EZPZ games to get started with:

Far Cry 4

If I said you could complete an open-world game in 30 minutes or less without having to monotonously practice glitching the game, would you believe me? Well it doesn’t matter if you believe me – you can and I’m about to unveil the secret: All you need to do is to follow directions. [Minor spoilers ahead]

“Wait, isn’t this Milo?” No, but close enough.

You know how NPCs love asking you to stay put, but progression is impossible unless you disobey them? Not this time.

After the game’s brief intro, you’ll find yourself in Pagan Min’s abode. Yes, he is the game’s villain, but stay calm. When it comes to speedrunning this game, he will be your best (and only) friend. At some point he will tell you to wait. DO WHAT HE SAYS. DO NOT ROAM AROUND. SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT. Just sit there and wait. You may find yourself thinking that that I am pulling your leg, but he will come back. When he does return, he does what he said he would and takes you straight to the end sequence. Isn’t that nice of him?

Congrats, you just speedran Far Cry 4!

Super Smash Bros. 4

This one is pretty straightforward, just like Far Cry 4. What do you need to do? Absolutely nothing. Except choosing Luigi is REQUIRED. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t make this game.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have not tested this myself, but here’s a nice video showing you how it’s done.

Note that the technique employed in the above video is very strict. You can’t move Luigi whatsoever. In fact, DON’T touch that controller. The best way for you to maintain your composure and keep Luigi THAT still is probably if you take your controller and place it somewhere out of reach. Personally, I recommend that you shut off your controller or lock it away if you are too tempted to pick it up and save Luigi. I have heard of some people burying their controller in a sealed box to some success. However, that is unnecessary. Have faith in him, he’ll be okay.

Just don’t move.

Downwell

Where do you go? Well…down!

Keep going down. You’ll reach the end eventually. I think.

My Ultimate Tip

Still struggling with that backlog? Of course you are. I would be, too, if it weren’t for my secret trick to completing a ton of games. Last month, I was inspired by the World of Warcraft farming prisons of China. These folks wanted to make a profit. How did they do it? They had other people do the work for them! Now that’s what I call playing with power. Nintendo Power would be so proud. Hearing about those prison farms had me thinking, “How can I adapt this to completing games?” And then it hit me: Create a master list, make it into a monthly/annual contest, and have people complete games for me! Absolutely brilliant, isn’t it? As I speak, over 300 games have now been completed for me.

By the way, please do submit to me any games you’ve completed here. And if you want to be entered into the current month’s leaderboards be sure to let me know what you completed that month. Any help completing games would be appreciated – I can’t afford them! 

Hopefully these pro tips will help you get started on completing some games for me and put a dent in that backlog of mine yours.